It's 15th August 2015. A very happy independence day to you!
But, am I crazy or what? Heard myself teaching independence in a different sense on Independence day. While watching Grey's Anatomy, a doctor chooses her fellowship over marriage, I had to pause the serial. My sons n I watch the recordings. I knew it's a confusing situation. In the Indian context, a wife will have to choose marriage over her career. But, since everything is global now, by the time my kids grow up and get married, they had better learn to respect their spouse's career and give it equal weight. So this is what I told them which I was really proud of later on.
" When you grow in life, you always will have two roads to choose from. One that will be totally opposite from the other in terms of satisfaction and happiness.
There is a middle way too. That is a dead block. No progress and no growth. You will remain in the current state forever. You will neither lose anything nor gain anything spectacular.
Let's talk about the left side road which will keep your marriage intact. Your family is happy. You have given up your option to go a step ahead in your career. You choose this road yourself. Once you choose this road, you can never blame anyone else ever. It's your choice that no one forced you to make. You will never say to your spouse, your parents or your children that you made this sacrifice because of them or for them. The truth is that you chose to be happy with your family and in the current state of your career. When I decided to stop working and develop my blog www.madhurieSingh.com, it was my choice. I can never tell you both that I sacrificed my career for you. I can never tell your dad that I sacrificed my financial independence for him. And I have never done that. Because I was an infertility patient and went through 6 yrs of treatment to conceive you, it was my decision to not leave you in the hands of maids. So I never ever have felt sorry for leaving my work. That decision was mine. I had to choose. I have been happy to stick to the decision and not blame you or your dad.
So when you grow up and your spouse wants to quit her work, ensure that it is her decision. Ensure that she will never blame you or the kids. Ensure that she will not feel miserable or dependent or depressed after leaving her work. Tell her that you will stand by her decision but you will not accept any blames in future or any unhappiness in the house because of her decision to quit the work. Only then, you will be a true partner. A partner who ensures that the other person takes a decision consciously and then you support her completely."
My sons were looking at me engrossed completely.
I thought let me also tell my sons the impact of taking the other road too.
"If you decide to take the second road which takes you to the peak of your career but leaves you no time for the family, that is also your choice. You will have to decide if you want to leave the small daily happiness you get from the family or you want to achieve your life goal which will surely take you far from them.
You cannot blame your work or career choice that you make for your marriage falling apart or your kids not being close to you or no time to attend to social functions. You decided that you have to build something big and that will need your 100% for as many years it requires then you have to never feel guilty for not keeping your family happy in day to day life. You can prepare your family and tell them in advance. Remember I had talked to you both two years back that I will need time to concentrate on the project of schoolkhojo.in that I was going to start? And you both had promised to not bother me at all. You have kept up your promise by doing your studies and entertainment on your own. You respect your mom and her goals. That is why you are happy. That has made my life happy too. I don't have any guilt. I was earlier dedicated 100% to you two. Now to my third baby, my project.
But if I kept feeling guilty, I would not be happy. If I am not happy, no one in the family will be happy. Your dad respects that my work is as important as his. I had supported him when he was building his career and taking good care of you both. Now, he is supporting me by taking care of you two and home.
So tomorrow if you have an important career choice to make, do it and then never blame others or yourself. Never feel guilty.
This is called balancing. No person in this world can balance everything.
Life is always making choices. It's not compromising but taking decisions and sticking to them with all the joy. "
Kids have to learn to make decisions and choose. And when you let them make decisions, you also have to tell them the possible outcomes to the last step.
This effort will not only help them take effective decisions but also not make them feel guilty or not blame anyone ever. That is the key to being successful and happy.